You see it across the cheap, dirty aisle. Fiery orange, lusty green,
your mouth waters and it lures you in. You're intrigued, fixated.
You grab it. Just this once, you say. Just. once.
You rip apart the seal, tear into the bag. Your fingers caress the
crusty curves, powder stains as you grope rugged edges. Your lips
curl as they softly brush each morsel and passionately close around
it. Kiss. Your tongue wriggles and writhes with each piece, getting
moist, feeling every roll, romp and bite in your mouth
until..until..un...t..i..l, huff and cheese puff, it bursts like a
nuclear explosion with spine-chilling, spice-tingling ecstasy.
Ohhh, lawd. The cheddar jalapeno cheeto.
The best chip you've ever
had.
You didn't plan it, it just happened. And you knew better. Its
wild, untameable salaciousness will only leave you rudely abandoned
to your fat rolls, hurt and heart broken on the treadmill. It will
take two gut-wrenching, long months of sweat, tears, lean cuisine and
no carbs to get you over your two snack affair. Corn and water,
heated under pressure, filled with hot air, tumbled and showered with
desired flavor, its the bad boy snack that every pretentious,
know-it-all magazine shakes its finger at and hoitily declares the
satan's spawn. And you are the sloothy. “Eat nuts, swallow
yogurt, add berries. Chew on kale and starve yourself!” Take my
finger!
The recommended serving size, by Frito-Lay no less, is 21 pieces, 2.5
servings per 2.25 ounce bag. Just $1.09. It's cheap, you might be
dirty. It claims “real cheese”, you know better and even faked
it. But you don't care and you can't help it. You ravenously devour
every chip, every piece, every bite. It is eleven grams of pure fat,
but right now, in the moment, it's worth every calorie, muffin top
and love handle. Your carnal instincts take over and you gamely
rendezvous with the chip that won't call you in the morning.
It's so
bad it's so good.
But you'll worry about the consequences tomorrow.
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