Me, Myself and I

De La Soul

Provided with innumerable blessings, one of the lucky ones, privileged, I figured it was my duty, my responsibility to do the "right" thing.  Float with the waves and not against.  Ripples of rebellion surfaced occasionally, but mostly I did what was expected.

Then. 

Life finally brought large, consecutive doses of reality.  Divorced.  Father's near death.  Trafficked women, one after the other, repeating their horrid stories of abuse and violence, all under the false banner of love.  Survival.  I was breathless and yet it was exactly what I needed. 

It was time for me to jump.  To let it go.  And to live. 

The separation from the man I was married to provided the first breath of fresh air.  The first feeling of living as I choose and reputation, gossip, opinions be damned.  It was my life and I finally owned it.  But only if I had the guts and courage to step forward.   Sometimes events push you to a ledge.  But it's not the edge of insanity but can be the verge of lucidity.  It is not the step off a cliff but the inertia to your life, the way you want to live it.

My first true step into the unknown, the reliance on guts and intuition instead of plans, formulas - live as all else did - was stepping onto the Qantas jet to Sydney, Australia.  Alone. 

The decision was mine.  The approval hardly any.  The plans none.  It was the start to my decision to attempt to live by the moment, by what simply felt right.  It was time to challenge myself. 

The important ingredient was to do it alone.  To rely only on myself.  To be smart enough to ask for help, of course, along the way but to truly sit, walk, think on my own.  Sometimes it proved truly exhilarating, sometimes I sat there thinking, "what the hell am I doing here, and alone?!", sometimes I got myself into pretty damn hilarious and odd situations and sometimes I found solace, belly-fits of laughter and respite from myself from the many strangers, now friends along the way. 

Travelling alone.  It was an adventure I never thought I'd want to do, much less accomplish.  An experience like no other.  I realized that I am definitely a people person and love the attention.  Yet, it brings a unique empowerment.  I am still blind to many things, confused about many decisions and next steps.  But I hope that each foot forward in any direction comes from an inner strength based on trust, knowledge and faith in my abilities to act in my best interest in a way that only guarantees a wondrous journey. 

Would I travel alone again?  I assume it's like giving birth - you forget the horrendous only to repeat it.  I am truly grateful for the large family of friends and relatives who surround me in my given life.  And yet, I would travel into the unknown again and again.